pepper2000's Journal

8:40pm: Part II
Earlier this month, I got involved in an organization called NOWI, which opposes an American attack on Iran. Unlike the peak oil group SPOA, NOWI is a politically active and astute organization. By contrast, SPOA is more interested in individual work. I think that now might be the time to take a more active role in politics, which is one of the many things I am considering for the future. NOWI does frequent congressional delegations, which is something I would very much like to do if the chance arises.

I have been thinking about my role in society in other ways. As is typical for this time of year, I have been putting extra thought into consumerism and what I can do simplify the materialism in my life. Consumerism is not just a matter of personal happiness but also a moral issue, considering the huge disparity of wealth in the world and the unsustainability of civilization as it is now. However, the challenge is not so cut-and-dry. If I take too strong a stand, it would alienate friends and family. I am also thinking of resuming vegetarianism. This too would create some friction, so I will have to decide if it is worth it.

I have found great difficulty lately maintaining an effective meditation practice. I feel that I know everything I need to know to live a good and authentic life, but putting that knowledge into practice is a daily challenge. I don't know another way than to make it a daily effort.

In July, I began a systematic daily planning system whereby I would decide in advance the major tasks I would do throughout the day. This have been a very positive development for me. Now I get done the things I decide I want to do, and for sure I have accomplished a lot since July that I would not have done otherwise. My other hope was that a systematic planning system would reduce anxiety in my life, as I would be able to focus on one thing at a time. This has been a partial success, but more work is needed.

On the romance front, little has changed since before. In the fall I made a significant but failed effort to find a girlfriend. It was a comprehensive effort, including confidence building exercises, an exercise program, an active search for social activities, and more. Even though I didn't succeed in my main goal, a lot of good things came out of those efforts. Now my focus is to where it was before: how can I live a good life as a single man?

All things considered I would say that 2007 was a successful year for me. 2008 promises to be even better, but it will require focus on the many things I want to do.

8:14pm: The December 2007 update
Right now I am on vacation, so I thought it would be a good time to take inventory of where things are now.

Right now it seems that I am on track for graduation from the math program in the summer of 2009. I have enough results on paper to constitute my thesis, but there is a lot of work ahead for writing them up, trying to push results farther, and presenting them.

And then there's the more distant future. With the light at the end of the tunnel now visible, I have been putting much thought into what I will pursue next. Earlier in the year, I was deeply troubled by the question of what I ought to do. Hinduism has a notion of dharma, which roughly refers to a person's duty in life. Mine might be to be a mathematician. I still don't fully understand, but I know at least that I felt a strong pull to finish my Ph.D. and there is still a strong pull to continue math research beyond 2009.

While thinking about the matter last summer, I had an important insight. I saw the reason why I should continue through the Ph.D. program was to have this great challenge to pursue. One personal weakness of mine is that I am not very good at seeing things that are very challenging through to their completion.

Another thought I had was to work for a few years to establish some savings, then pursue a different field of study, such as economics, physics, computer science. I might want to save philosophy for later in life. There are many other things I could do. Still, the question remains of whether my focus should be primarily on mathematics in the long run.

In the shorter run, I want to make sure that the remaining year and a half in grad school is successful. One challenge for the new year is to focus better on my work during the day time and better resist distractions. Also, anxieties about my future have paralyzed other important tasks, such as a long overdue cleaning of the apartment.

9:49pm: Golden Gardens
A report on the Golden Gardens event tonight.

Everything turned out to be a success. I got the transportation I needed. Although a few items were missing, most notably a spatula for grilling, we got by all right. There was more than enough food for everyone.

I was, however, disappointed by the turn-out. We probably had about 25 people, and I was expecting 40-50. I don't know what the reason was for the lower turn-out this year. But for those who did come, we had a good time.

Golden Gardens was my first major event as GSR, and as such I invested quite a bit into it. Despite the turn-out, I would call it a success. The people who did come seemed happy.

You know the post-major event letdown that inevitably happens, regardless of how the event goes? That has happened tonight. Tomorrow I'll get back to work on the paper. It's a relief that there won't be any more major GSR duties until September.

11:17am: Summer quarter update
It's been about a week now since the summer quarter started. Here's a brief run-down of the state of progress.

- Research proceeds at a slow and steady pace. My focus has been on preparing two papers from recent work, though I did come up with some new results the last couple days. All things considered, I still think I am on track to finish in 2009.

- Plans are in the works to begin work on the next game programming project. Hint: Katamari + Snake.

- I'm concerned about a growing amount of mental energy that goes into finances. I'm not in any real financial trouble, but I am feeling the squeeze of a stagnant wage and rising food and rent prices. My disposable income is down and, talking to recent graduates of the department, the job outlook is bleak. Until recently I had confidence that my finances would "work out", but it wasn't until recently that I started making efforts at long term planning.

- The Golden Gardens picnic is tomorrow. So far no one in the department has volunteered to help me bring items to the park. One would think that with a department as large as ours, somebody would step up. I have to nag to get anything done around here.

11:23pm: Live from Klamath Falls
Time for an update for this long neglected journal. I think this one will be a summary of the last few months.

Last week I finished the spring quarter, and have now completed about three years of graduate school. So far in 2007 I officially have an advisor, and I have made excellent progress in finding new results. I am now confident that I will succeed in getting a Ph.D., barring a catastrophic development. It also seems that 2009 is the most likely completion date.

Teaching has gone well also. In the winter quarter I taught an intermediate algebra class, and in the spring quarter I taught differential equations. The summer will be multivariable calculus. All this teaching experience has been good for me, and I am thinking ever more seriously about teaching as what I want to pursue when I am done with grad school.

The most recent excitement was a conference in Jerusalem last month. Israel is an exciting country, and in my short time there I developed an admiration for the culture. I hope for an opportunity to go back someday.

In other news, I will be the new GSR (Graduate Student Representative) for the math department this year. The job is similar to the class president, but with actual responsibility. On all counts grad school has been going well for me this past year, after a bumpy start.

Romance has been another matter. I made one romantic pursuit early in 2007. We went on a few dates, and it seemed for a while that we might develop a romantic relationship, but then she decided not to go that route. This was not just another desperate romantic pursuit for me. I really liked her and am still disappointed by how things turned out. I am considering another romantic interest now, but by drive and my optimism are both fairly low.

It's hard for me to believe that it has been a year and a half since that strange vision I had. I still feel the longing for romance, but I have come to terms with being single and have focused on other priorities now. I have decided not to give up on dating, at least for now, for reasons that I still don't fully understand.

I have been tunnel-visioned on grad school lately, perhaps moreso than is healthy, but now there is faint light at the end of the tunnel and I am starting to think again about what I want my life to look like. I once had a vision of marrying and living a middle class lifestyle, but that vision is long gone. I haven't developed a new vision to replace it. Maybe I don't need one. There are so many things I want to do, so many anxieties, and so many pressures from different sources that it is difficult to sort it all out.

5:51pm: More research
Last week I managed to prove and then write up a significant result. Since then, though, things have been going very badly on the research front. I've been floundering for somewhere I can make some progress. So far I have no good ideas.

It's hard to tell now if I am going to get the advisor I want. And it will be a while before I have any more information to go by. I tried to think about the matter some more but the only conclusion I can reach is that I'll be up the crick if this doesn't work out. The anxiety is overwhelming, but there's nothing I can do now.

I have been putting thought for the first time in a while into what might happen after grad school. This time I don't want to leave early, but I realized I've worked myself into a corner such that I might be forced out. As before there are no appealing options at this time.

And I feel that I could liberate my lunch at any time. There's not much good news to report today I'm afraid.

9:46pm: What a week
Last Friday the quarter ended. I was quite excited to have a vacation coming up, as well as a number of other nice things that were coming up.

Then began Supercold. Now, this isn't your run of the mill sniffle and cough kind of affair. This is the incapacitating, sleep-depriving kind of disease that you'd like to avoid before you grade 450 exams or begin your sequence of planned social engagements. Today is the fourth day and I feel about as miserable now as I did on day 1.

Together with the constant pain, the most frustration aspect of illness is my loss of function. I can only do a fraction of the things I want to do in a day, and consequently I am very far behind of wrapping up the quarter. Let's not even speak of how far behind I am on grading tests*.

But all things, including Supercold, come to an end eventually. I have a feeling that there will be at least a few changes to how I do business once I have recovered.

In other news (which isn't entirely bad), I managed to summon enough strength Friday night to win a poker game. This puts me back into the positive territory. I came up with a great idea for a theorem I was working on--and the idea failed spectacularly. This problem seems intractable. The woman I have been working with is not my advisor yet as I had hoped, but we do plan to continue into the next quarter. I get the feeling she is now thinking she does not want to take me on, which would be a tremendous setback. That's why the pressure is on to prove stuff. I can't count on both hands the number of minor tasks I have to take care of in the next few days.

* Yes, I did just speak of that. Point that out and I'll e-mail you a nice disease.

5:32pm: News report
Here's a brief summary of things that have been going on lately.

- I have a teaching assignment for the winter quarter: math 120. This is the one I requested, but I might come to regret that as it will no doubt be a challenging class. I'll make good use of the extra pay.

- I've started working on some questions this past weekend, relating to simplicial complexes. I made some good progress, and am working hard on one relating to balanced complexes.

- Thanksgiving travel plans are in order. I'll be bussing down to Portland to see the family. Since I will be taking a table back with me (not by bus, mind you), a poker game at the pepper residence seems to be in the foreseeable future.

3:29pm: Ouch
You know the experience when you discover that someone you were interested in long ago, but not anymore, is now seeing someone else?

. . .

This one is especially hard. It is interesting that a similar event occurred at the start of the month, and now this.

I would like to share a valuable lesson I have learned over recent weeks which is only tangentially related. People oftentimes close themselves off to the outside world as a kind of defense mechanism. The idea is that if I don't let you into my life, you can't cause me any pain.

But it doesn't work. The truth is, it is not other people who cause us pain, but ourselves. Mainly through our own sense of inadequacy. Isolation magnifies those feelings, rather than making them go away.

People often wonder what the solution is to this. I don't think there is a solution, any more than there is a solution* to pain caused by illness or injury. The key is finding a way to move through life despite the difficulties it presents, and learning how to formulate positive responses to difficult situations.

* Well, I guess there are solutions. But you know what I mean.

7:29pm: It's me again
Quite a lot has been going on lately, but I have not felt any impulse to write about it. I will instead share these thoughts with you.

Most of us go through our lives with a vision of how we would like things to be. Some people would like to have more money. Some people want a friend or loved one back. Some people want more talents, more freedom, fame, a certain job or position, and the list goes on. As you know I would like to be able to experience romantic love.

So far I do not believe I have ever met a person who can honestly claim to be happy with what they have right now. Happiness is always placed one shelf beyond a person's reach.

For a number of years I thought of this condition as being what I was working against. I felt I had to find a way to eradicate the problem of happiness being out of reach. But I don't think so anymore. It would be folly anyway.

7:24pm: A journey though the personals
I'll admit it. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm listening to a CD, and I would like to get to the end of it before leaving.

Anyway, I hit the old personals again today. I'm not sure which is more depressing: the fact that I was driven to do it, or what I found when I did.

I wonder why I keep looking. It must be the same reason Charlie Brown keeps trying to kick the football when Lucy holds it up. By the way, that never stops being funny.

3:15pm: Fun with polytopes
My assignment for the reading course this week is a ~20 page reading from Stanley's book, Combinatorics and Commutative Algebra. Doesn't sound like much, but reading 20 pages from a math book isn't like reading 20 pages out of a novel. I was making good progress until about a third of the way through the reading, and now I see I am going to have to go back and read the previous chapters if I am going to get any farther.

I'm not sure if I am actually going to be able to finish it this week, but I do know that I won't be having too much free time.

I think because the professor was so impressed by how much I got done last week, she decided to up the ante. But she may have overestimated by abilities with commuatitive algebra and algebraic topology.

Aside from that, things have been pretty tough lately. Last week's crisis may be over for now, but it still lurks in the underbrush.

Right about now, I sure wish they hadn't taken the couch out of the office.

5:30pm: Crisis
Yesterday, in one of my news items, I alluded to a small matter that turned out to be a big matter. It was a small item of news, a relevation that a former romantic interest was getting married, that under normal circumstances would not have been a big deal. I don't know why it was a big deal yesterday, but yesterday turned out to be an awful day, fraught with turmoil, anguish, and all that nasty stuff.

Today things tentatively seem back to normal. But this episode is a wake-up call, a reminder that, perhaps, my emotional state isn't all that stable.

4:19pm: Here's a tip
I think I'm done working for today.

Last night all those index cards I've been using finally came in handy, I think. I made an entry upon entering a restaurant, possible leading the waitress to think I was a restaurant critic. I got a free salad with my meal.

1:03pm: News report
Hold on to your hats, this one is as thrilling as a rock. A very thrilling rock.

- The early schedule is complete for now. The alarm is set for 6:00, and I made it up at 6:30 today. This will take some getting used to. Especially being woken up "in the middle of the night" by music at the bar instead of going to bed after the bar closes.
- Yesterday was Sustainable Ballard. The name says all you need to know. I worked at the peak oil booth for a few hours, then walked home. I saw a cafe there that looked so familiar that I will have to go back and investigate.
- Class work is going all right. This quarter looks like it will be easier than previous quarters.
- A most distressing piece of information this morning, which I will keep confidential for the time being, has soured my previously sunny disposition. It remains to be seen whether this thing will blow over or turn into a protracted crisis. Work has been difficult today, and I probably won't get much more done.
- Last Saturday I watched volume 5 of 6 of Hakugei: Legend of the Moby Dick. I give this series my highest endorsement, the Pepper Seal of Approval. I have one gripe from volume 5, but I will spare it for the sake of preventing spoilers.
- Speaking of which, I'll have to do something about the increasingly rancid odor in the kitchen.
- Yesterday was my second meeting at the University Friends center. I think it was a positive experience for me. In fact, it is amazing to me that such an island of tranquility exists in the heart of the busy city.
- I want to procrastinate some more, but cannot think of any more news items.

8:43am: Assorted news briefs
Today is the first day of class, after much administrative business. To put it mildly, I have some trepidation about going into yet another year of grad school and university life. In addition to taking classes and teaching, I'll try to set up a reading course this week, and soon (next week?) a group of us will be doing some after-school math activities at a nearby grade school.

I've also started on moving my sleeping schedule back a few hours. I attempted this once about three years ago but gave up on that. Now I seem to be making some progress, having gotten up shortly after 7:00 this morning. My goal is to get up shortly after 6:00 and using the mornings productively, so that by the afternoon I have finished most of my work for the day.

I had a dream about hyperinflation this morning. The Federal Reserve had to set short term interest rates to 10^530%.

4:02pm: Quick prelim update
Results came in today, and I passed. This was anticipated, but it is nice to know for sure.

8:10pm: Travel time!
I don't know how I feel about the blank face in the corner that is supposed to be me, in the absence of any picture I have uploaded. It's a little disturbing.

At any rate, I've been out of town for a few days and made it back just a couple hours ago. I'll spare you the bloody details. I'm quite glad I made this trip. It was good for for my mind and soul (not so good for the body, though, due to all the sweets).

Upon returning to campus, I could feel a sense of frustration and despair, which had been absent the past week, start to cloud over me again. I've decided this is a result of my environment and that there is nothing I can do about it. And prelim results are not available yet. But there is some good news as well, such as a nice package from my sister that arrived while I was gone.

As I look forward to the uncertain future, contemplating the many forks in the great river of life, I begin to think that--*

* The rest of this entry has been removed in the interest of public sanity. Thank you for your cooperation.

12:38pm: Grandia III
Last night, after an unusually long gameplay session, I managed to finish Grandia III. Here I share my thoughts about the game. Be warned: there are spoilers within.
( Read more... )

1:53pm: Manifolds wrap-up
Here are mechanics of the test. There were eight problems, of which we needed to answer four correctly in order to be sure to pass. I asnwered six, so if I didn't botch three or more of the problems, I passed. Results will be available by the end of the month.

Now for the long and difficult tasking of forgetting that manfiolds ever happened.

1:50pm: Another prelim update
Prelim day is tomorrow, and anticipation is high. Today I'm doing some last minute review of the major theorems. I feel that I have done all I can reasonably to to prepare for this test, so it's out of my hands now. Better make sure that alarm clock works tomorrow, though.

My plans for the rest of the summer are unclear. I plan to travel to Klamath Falls for a few days and come back whenever I feel like it*. I have also been working on studying polytopes, and I hope to put in at least a little bit of time on that. Aside from that, I could sure go for a vacation.

I'm still working on Grandia III. I would like to write a review for the game when I finish, as my feelings about it have been mixed thus far.

* By September 28, of course. That's the first day of class.

3:23pm: The prelim update
Prelim day is only two days away, and couldn't come fast enough. By now I've been through all the old tests. Nothing to do but review the theorems and hope for the best. The best would be that I never have to think about this awful subject again.

5:38pm: Grand old Grandia time
I bought a copy of Grandia III a few days ago and started playing it. So far I'm having fun, though I haven't gotten very far yet.

1:49pm: Assorted tidbits
Yesterday I made a long bike ride, to Redmond and back via the Burke-Gilman Trail and the Sammamish River Trail. It was by far the farthest I have gone on this bike, about a 50 mile round trip. My legs are still angry about that.

I'm none too pleased with the IAU's decision to downgrade Pluto from "planet" to "insignificant piece of space crap*." I understand the reasons for this decision, and it makes sense. But it still feels like a death in the solar family. All the Wikipedia articles about planets refer to the eight planets as though nothing has happened. It's like those old sitcoms, where one character disappears from one season to the next and it is though that character never existed.

The last time I transcribed note cards to the computer was in February 2005, so I'm back to work on that now. I finished March 2005 last night.

* Might not be the official scientific term.

4:50pm: Game demo
I finally did it. A demo of Tel'Sasif is ready to go at long last, only a year after I had originally predicted. I put the finishing touches on it last night, and hopefully got everything squared away that I wanted for the demo.

Today I sent it to two people who I hope to use as beta-testers. They'll let me know of any bugs or issues that crop up. Inevitably there are things that I overlooked. I am hoping for a public release once they send back their reports, and I make whatever fixes/modifications are necessary.

One issue blocking a public release at this time is the music. I don't mind giving the version with music to the beta-testers, but I won't put these particular songs in the public release. I didn't write them myself, and I don't have permission from the composers to use them in a public game. I hope to write my own music for the game eventually, or find someone else who wants to do it for me.

Finally, this of course is just a demo. Only the first area of the game is playable. But it should be enough to give a sense of the plot and all the important gameplay features.